Intimacy In Marriage

I've been teaching the Marriage and Family Relations Class in Sunday School.  I had no intentions of putting those lessons on my blog.  But last week I taught the lesson on intimacy in marriage.  Because it's such a delicate subject and because I felt VERY awkward in teaching it, I did a lot of reading and preparing.  I came away with new insight (after 34 years of marriage) and appreciation for intimacy.  I also felt like I had really failed as a mother in teaching my daughters about this wonderful part of marriage.  So I decided to post this lesson in hopes that maybe it will be of help to someone who is getting ready to enter marriage or someone who is keeping themselves clean and pure before marriage or maybe even someone like me who's been married for many years.

All your life you have been told to be chaste, clean and pure, you can’t do this and you can’t do that BUT once you are married you automatically have permission to do those things you couldn’t do before.  And you are still chaste and clean and pure!  It’s like buying a new house, you’ve qualified for the loan, you made your down payment,  and signed all the papers so now here are the keys to your new home!  Yesterday, it belonged to the bank, and today it belongs to you.  After you kneel across the altar and say YES then she belongs to you and He belongs to you.  You have the key that will unlock the door to a whole new world.

I told my dear husband that I felt a little awkward about teaching this lesson—he said, well lighten it up a little and you can talk about the health benefits of having sexually active life.  So he pulled out his phone and proceeded to look up the health benefits.  Do you know there really is medical research on this topic and actual benefits?  So if you want to know what those are check out this web site:  http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/10-surprising-health-benefits-of-sex

In all seriousness, intimacy is a vital part of marriage.  It will bring great joy into your marriage.  It will bring a closeness that nothing else can bring.  It binds two people together—it’s the glue of your relationship.

This is something That God has ordained.  He wants us to have this in our lives.  It’s not slutty or carnal or animalistic.  It’s sacred and symbolic and private and personal and beautiful.

Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles explained the purposes of physical intimacy in marriage: “Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set. One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality. Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, consideration of each other, and common purpose” (http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1994/10/making-the-right-choices?lang=eng

TRUST----RESPONSIBILITY----POWER----FOR ENJOYMENT----MAKE US ONE----BRING'S CLOSER TOGETHER

God TRUSTS us with this great power that is HIS POWER to create another human being.  It is a great RESPONSIBILITY to use it correctly--in other words within the bounds of marriage.  It is given to us for our ENJOYMENT.  It will make you happy and that's ok.  It brings us CLOSER to our spouse and literally and symbolically MAKES US ONE.  Wow! This is a pretty intense and wonderful act.

Intimacy has to do with the 3 S’s as taught by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. http://www.familylifeeducation.org/gilliland/procgroup/Souls.htm   
It's a long talk but well worth your efforts to read it.

The 3 S's:  SOULS, SYMBOLS, & SACRAMENT

When we understand intimacy and it’s importance and it’s power then we understand why we have been asked to live the law of chastity. 

SOULS:  when we participate in sex, we participate in an act of procreation.  It’s what makes us equal to God—it is the power that brings another human being into this world.  It is the power of creation. We are playing with the souls of others.

When we consider the importance that we have put on obtaining a body and the importance of taking care of it then we understand that giving another spirit a physical body is a grand act.  We also have to understand that when we take lightly this act and desecrate our own bodies that we are messing with our own souls and the souls of others.  Sexual sins are serious because our souls and those of others are at stake.

SYMBOLS:  it is symbolic of the unity that we talked about last week.  We want to have unity in our marriage and we try desperately to have it.  It is 2 individuals who symbolically and physically become one.  

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught: “Human intimacy is reserved for a married couple because it is the ultimate symbol of total union, a totality and a union ordained and defined by God. From the Garden of Eden onward, marriage was intended to mean the complete merger of a man and a woman—a total union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything. Adam said of Eve that she was bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh, and that they were to be ‘one flesh’ in their life together [see Genesis 2:23–24]. This is a union of such completeness that we use the word seal to convey its eternal promise. The Prophet Joseph Smith once said we perhaps could render such a sacred bond as being ‘welded’ one to another [see D&C 128:18]” http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/10/personal-purity?lang=eng

Genesis 2:24 says a man shall ^ccleave unto his ^dwife: and they shall be ^eone flesh.

My daughter is a nurse in the newborn intensive care unit here in Provo.  One of the things that they do with these tiny babies to help them bond to their mothers is do skin to skin.  I think they do this with normal babies as well.  This is where they literally place the naked baby onto the mothers naked body as well.  The baby may have a diaper on.  (they do it discreetly—they put the baby inside the mother’s clothing.)  It binds the two together.  It’s a form of intimacy.

Excuse my expression on this delicate matter, but that is the way a man and a woman bond together and become one flesh as well—skin to skin. One flesh.

 SACRAMENT:   Elder Holland said a sacrament could be any one of a number of gestures or acts or ordinances that unite us with God and his limitless powers.  Intimacy is an act where we can symbolically unite with God and gain access to his power—the great power of creating another individual. 

Our former stake president in our home ward taught that it is also a time to renew the covenants that you make in the temple when you are sealed together as husband and wife; the same way we renew baptismal covenants when we partake of the bread and water.

Because this act is so sacred and has so much power, we have been commanded to use it only in the bonds of marriage.  And to use it in marriage to bind us and unite us and to strengthen our love for each other.

Intimacy has 3 types:  Think of these three as a triangle.  They all work together to truly make intimacy a "whole".

Spiritual—The things we have talked about already

Emotional

Physical

All 3 are very real and very important in fulfilling human desires.  Each of these areas need to be cultivated and constantly worked on.  Intimacy, physical or otherwise, is affected by our every day interactions with each other.

MEN AND WOMEN SEE INTIMACY DIFFERENTLY.  

Emotional Intimacy:  Robert F. Stahmann in an address at a family conference at BYU said: (http://ce.byu.edu/cw/fuf/archives/2004/Robert.Stahmann.pdf)  It’s been said that, typically, men give love and commitment in order to get physical affection and sex. Women give physical affection and sex in order to get commitment and love. It might also be said that men typically hunger for sex while women hunger for romance. Men initially give and receive love to fulfill their physical needs, while women initially give and receive love to fulfill their emotional needs.

Often, women need to feel loved and nurtured before they begin to be aroused and develop desire for sexual intimacy.

Men often need to be sexually aroused before they can truly feel and express love.

A woman may want to feel emotionally fulfilled before she is ready to have physical intimacy. 

A man may feel more of a need for physical intimacy and that helps him realize the emotional feelings he has. 

you have to work together to give that emotional & spiritual intimacy than the physical is more desirable and more satisfying.   They feed off of each other.    It's what makes the other person "tick" or "get excited" or "ready" to be intimate.

Emotional intimacy is being aware of the other person, it’s helping the other, it’s meeting the emotional needs of your spouse.  It’s the showing of love and charity for that person.  It’s dating and talking and sharing.  It’s being friends and when your friendship is alive and flourishing, it will be easier for your sex life to be alive and flourish as well.

Pres. Monson made the comment at priesthood meeting this last month.  He said he’d heard a message at a conference that had stayed with him for 40 years: Among many truths the speaker discussed, she said that a woman needs to be told she is beautiful. She needs to be told she is valued. She needs to be told she is worthwhile.  http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/see-others-as-they-may-become?lang=eng

And I add...and that she is loved.  That is exactly what a woman likes to hear and brethren, if you want a happy wife it would be well to remember that.  That is what emotional intimacy is.  Complementing and noticing not only how she looks but appreciating the things she does and letting her know.  It’s also being willing to help out around the house.  And women, always do what you need to to make yourself beautiful and attractive to your husband.  You will have bad days and that’s ok.  Just don’t let every day be a bad day.  Some women once they are married and particularly those who become stay at home moms get into a trap of never doing their hair or wearing makeup or getting dressed out of their old baggy jogging pants.  And your husband comes home from work and that’s what meets him at the door??? Not always a good thing.  So Give them something to compliment and be attracted to.

But then Pres. Monson went on and said:

Brethren, I know that men are very much like women in this regard. We need to be told that we amount to something, that we are capable and worthwhile.

So girls, the same goes with you.  Make sure you compliment and find the good that your husband is doing and let him know that he is worthwhile.  Men—same with you as I told the women—don’t become bums that don’t do anything around the house but watch TV and eat chips.  

BE worthwhile.

Physical Intimacy—don’t forget it’s not just the one act—it is the touching, the kissing, the cuddling, the holding hands & hugging.   Be romantic. Date and spend time together.  Talk and share your feelings.  You have to communicate with each other how you’re feeling. This is a time to express your deepest feelings towards each other.  It’s sacred, it’s special and it’s very private.  Something for just the two of you to share.  Let it be exciting and fun. And you shouldn’t be discussing it with others.  Don't go talk to your colleagues or friends or family.  If you like what happened, tell your spouse.  If you have concerns or problems, talk about it with your spouse.  If your spouse comes to you and has concerns or problems, be open and listen and talk about it together.

I read this in a blog yesterday and I liked how this married LDS man looked at sex:

sex is about more than just visual attraction and lust and it is about more than just passion and infatuation.   …when sex is done right, at its deepest level it is about intimacy. It is about one human being connecting with another human being they love. It is a beautiful physical manifestation of two people being connected in a truly vulnerable, intimate manner because they love each other profoundly. It is bodies connecting and souls connecting. It is beautiful and rich and fulfilling and spiritual and amazing.

Warning:  when the children come around, don’t let intimacy get pushed to the side.  Take time to still enjoy each other.  Make it a priority.  Get a lock for your bedroom door and teach your children that when the door is locked they will have to take care of themselves unless it is a dire emergency.  You may even want to schedule a night for intimacy—which you won’t have to worry about now—this is for down the road. 

Before you marry, I would talk to your parents and ask for any advice they have especially for your honeymoon.  It takes time to learn how to do this and it takes time to learn what you and your spouse like and what you need to do so that it will be a good experience.

I encourage you to do some study on the subject yourselves.  There is so much information on this topic.  Be careful though.  Make sure the information you read is on the same sacred level that we view it.

Because intimacy in marriage is so important and it is so sacred, and it is so private, we are hesitant to talk about it and to ask questions.  Do your homework and be ready for this great part of your marriage.  We are commanded to stay clean and pure before marriage and we are commanded to have total fidelity after marriage.  That we save this special act for the one person we will be united with for eternity.  That we don’t share ourselves with others before or after that exciting time in our lives-marriage.  This is something you get to share with just that ONE person who you love with all your heart.  It's worth the wait!

Intimacy will bring you great joy!  It will bring you closer to your spouse than anything else.  It will bind you and make you one.   It is sacred, symbolic, private, personal, beautiful and sanctified by God.

2 Good Books to Read: And They were Not Ashamed by Laura Brotherson: http://www.amazon.com/And-They-Were-Ashamed-Strengthening/dp/1587830345/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1353281371&sr=8-1&keywords=and+they+were+not+ashamed

Between Husband and Wife by Stephen E. Lamb and Douglas E. Brinley:  

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=between+husband+and+wife

Not really promoting Amazon--it's just where I shop.  You can buy them wherever you want.  You might even find them in the library????

God Wants a Powerful People: Conclusion

I ran out of time and this part of the lesson was never given...which means you are reading it the way it was written and not necessarily the way it would have been presented.  This really shows how I almost always have way more material then what I can use.  But I guess better too much than not enough!!

Purity/Obedience/Commandments

The Army of Helaman is a great example of how obedience gives us power.  Review:  we have 2000 young men who decide to fight the Lamanites because their fathers had made a covenant to not take up their weapons of war again.  They had great faith that this was what they should do and then knew that God would protect them.  And I believe they may have believed that if God didn't protect them that that would be okay because they were in His hands and it would be His will.  

Alma 57: 21 Yea, and they did obey and observe to perform every word of command with exactness; yea, and even according to their faith it was done unto them; and I did remember the words which they said unto me that their mothers had taught them.

Alma 56: 56 But behold, to my great joy, there had not one soul of them fallen to the earth; yea, and they had fought as if with the strength of God; yea, never were men known to have fought with such miraculous strength; and with such mighty power did they fall upon the Lamanites,

Alma 57:26 And now, their preservation was astonishing to our whole army, yea, that they should be spared while there was a thousand of our brethren who were slain. And we do justly ascribe it to the miraculous power of God, because of their exceeding faith in that which they had been taught to believe—that there was a just God, and whosoever did not doubt, that they should be preserved by his marvelous power.

Obedience gave these young men great power.  I believe that you can have that same power when you are obedient to God’s commandments.  And as we obey with exactness, we become pure and holy.

Pg.41  Sheri Dew talks about the importance of purity….

"It is possible that there is no key to accessing the power of God that is more important, more crucial than purity.  While modern-day prophets have made it clear that the perfection we seek will not come in this life, they have also taught that it is possible to become increasingly pure--pure in our hearts, pure in our minds and motives, pure in our judgments, pure in our desires and intents, pure morally, and even pure in the way we treat and respect our physical bodies, including how we feel about everything from food and eating to exercise, health, piercings, tattoos and so on."  

How do we keep pure in today’s society??

Pure in Heart--starts with a desire.  Comes with prayer and scripture study.  It comes with obedience.  It comes in how we treat other people.  Remember the golden rule--treat others the way you would want to be treated.

Pure in Minds—we can keep our minds pure by what we put into it—magazines, books, internet, movies, music, tv shows--it really shows the importance of our choices of what we watch and read.  King Benjamin said,  Mosiah 4:30 But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not ^awatch yourselves, and your ^bthoughts, and your ^cwords, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and ^dcontinue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not.

The way we speak to others shows what kind of person we really are.
Sheri Dew p. 43:  "Thoughts lead to words, (including the conversations we have with ourselves, whicha are often the most destructive), and words in turn lead to our actions or deeds.  It is a progression that can be either productive or destructive.  Hence the need to fiercely protect our minds from anything of an unholy or impure nature.  "Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly...then shall they confidence wax strong in the presence of God." (D&C 121:45)    more power!

Physical Bodies—exercise on a regular basis, have good eating habits--which not only includes what we eat but when we eat. Keep all aspects of the word of wisdom—Coffee shops are really trendy right now.  we need to be careful that we are not joining in the excitement and drinking the exotic coffees that are out there—Redbull type drinks (high energy boosters) are really not healthy and can cause a caffeine overload which can cause death, albeit is rare.  Be careful and I personally think you should stay away from them, even if you think you've got to pull an all nighter.  IF you are doing all nighters, look at your schedule and make sure that you are using your time well.  This is an unnatural substance to enhance our poor habits.

Live the Law of Chastity:  Council to you young women:  When you’re making out on the couch (cause I know you are :) ) ...be the one to say “Whoa Cowboy!”  Time to be done.  Don't let your standards down.  Keep yourself clean and pure.  It will be a decision you will NEVER regret.

           

Dress Modestly—Elder Ballard gave a great talk a couple of years ago on modesty.  He said if your clothing is too low, too tight, or too short to throw it out.  Do you know how hard that is?  I have thought of this often, especially since serving here with the Young Single Adults and knowing I have to be the example.  I have had to get rid of some of my clothing because they were border-line of too low, too short or too tight.  Dress to cover the temple garment even if you haven’t been to the temple.  Cover the temple garment if you have been to the temple—don’t adjust it..  It is a sacred clothing item that should always be worn properly.

The scriptures-The word of God

Joseph Smith said a man could get closer to God by abiding by the precepts in the Book of Mormon than by any other book!  There is great power in the scriptures-particularly the Book of Mormon.

Alma 31:  5 And now, as the ^apreaching of the ^bword had a great tendency to ^clead the people to do that which was just—yea, it had had more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword, or anything else, which had happened unto them—therefore Alma thought it was expedient that they should try the virtue of the word of God.

The Word of God had more effect on the people than the sword.  That’s pretty powerful!

We can learn so much about our own lives from the lives of women in the scriptures.

Esther is one of my favorites:

Quick review of her life:

Esther was an orphan.  She was raised by her adult cousin, Mordecai.  When she was a young woman the queen of the land was dismissed, so the King was in need of a new queen.  He asked for all the available maidens to come to his palace so that he might choose a new queen.  Mordecai felt that Esther should go before the King.  She went and consequently she was chosen to be his queen.  The King loved Esther.  Unbeknownst to the King, Esther was a Jew.  The King, being advised by one of his men, issued a decree to have all the Jews killed.  When Mordecai found out, he told Esther she must go before the King and plead with him to take back the decree. Esther was frightened for the queen was not allowed to go before the King uninvited.   And that’s when Mordecai said to her:

Esther 4:14  “. . . who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”

Esther realized the great responsibility and role she had to try and save her people.  She said she would do this and then said, “and if I perish I perish.”  She than asked for all the Jews to fast and pray for her for 3 days.  She prepared a great feast for the King and then went to him and asked him to take back the decree.  He did take back the decree and her life and the lives of all her people, the Jews, were spared.

Esther had a great role in her life.  She knew that God had a plan for her and she had the faith necessary to accomplish that plan.

God has a mission for each of you sisters as well.  I would like to alter that scripture to say,

“who knoweth whether thou art born on the earth for such a time as this?”

CoNCLUSIoN:

We are here on the earth at a marvelous time!   This is an amazing time to be alive.  There are so many opportunities for us to participate in.  There is so much knowledge.  God has given us so much.

Where much is given, much is expected.  We have been given much to help us so that we can be a powerful people and bring The Lords’ Gospel throughout the world.  We can return to live eternally with our families and with our Heavenly Father.

Be pure

Read Your scriptures

Use the atonement in your life

Be obedient--even with exactness

Build & maintain family relationships

Be worthy of and use a temple recommend

Pray daily--at least twice, morning and night

Walk along side the Priesthood
Listen and Follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost

God wants a Powerful People......even YOU!

God Wants a Powerful People: Part 2

Sorry it's taken me awhile to get back to this.  Life seems to have been crazy busy!  But let's continue...
One of the things that God has given us that gives us power is....

The Priesthood

Sheri Dew explains how the Priesthood is basically responsible for all the things we have in the Gospel and thus in our lives.  It is the greatest power on earth:  pg. 38 of God Wants a Powerful People

      "Were it not for the restoration of priesthood power, no one could receive the gift and power of the Holy Ghost and thus have the privilege of receiving personal revelation; or be endowed with power in the House of the Lord (see D&C 109:22); or receive blessings of healing, comfort, strength, and instruction; or enter into the new and everlasting covenant of marriage with an eternal companion, thus launching an eternal family unit; or have a full understanding of the enabling, healing, redeeming, sanctifying power of the Atonement; or have living prophets, seers, and revelators to lead them; or bind in heaven what is bound on earth (see Matthew 16:19)"

The Priesthood is God's power and thus we have power from heaven given to those who are righteous and thus should always be used righteously.

            D&C 121:36 That the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.           

In Daughters in my Kingdoma pg. 7 bottom of 1^st column, 

To a group of Relief Society sisters, President Lorenzo Snow, the fifth President of the Church, said: “You have ever been found at the side of the Priesthood, ready to strengthen their hands and to do your part in helping to advance the interests of the kingdom of God; and as you have shared in these labors, so you will most certainly share in the triumph of the work and in the exaltation and glory which the Lord will give to His faithful children.”18

We saw at the time of the Savior that Mary and Martha walked side by side with Jesus and helped him.  They were a great support to him and the Priesthood that he held and the work that He had to do.

I love the story when He was at their home and Mary sat at the feet of Jesus and listened to his words.  Martha prepared the home and food so that the temporal needs of the Savior were met. Martha got frustrated with Jesus and said to him in effect, "don't you care that I am working tirelessly trying to prepare the food and the home while Mary just sits at your feet and listens to your words?" The Savior then taught a very powerful lesson.  From Daughters in my Kingdom pg. 4:

In an age when women were generally expected to provide only temporal service, the Savior taught Martha and Mary that women could also participate spiritually in His work. He invited them to become His disciples and partake of salvation, “that good part” that would never be taken from them.

Mary and Martha became active participants in the Lord’s mortal ministry. Later in the New Testament, we read Martha’s strong testimony of the Savior’s divinity. In a conversation with Jesus, she said, “I believe that thou art the Christ, the Son of God, which should come into the world.”

We read of many instances in the New Testament where women were instrumental in serving the Lord and were true disciples.  They walked beside the Priesthood.  We, too, can be instruments in God's hands and walk side by side with the Priesthood, to support and help them in their important responsibilities.

Sister Julie B. Beck, former Relief Society General President, said in the May 2011 BYU Women's Conference:  “I’ve learned through studying the history of Relief Society that we have and live with inseparable connection to the priesthood.  No one need confuse the idea of those who hold the priesthood with the gifts, blessings, and privileges associated with the priesthood.  The priesthood is God’s power.  It is His power to create, to bless, to lead, to serve as He does. The priesthood duty of every righteous man is to qualify to hold the priesthood so he can bless his family, while the priesthood duty of sisters is to create life, nurture God’s children, and prepare them to make covenants with the Lord.  Don’t confuse the power of the priesthood with the keys and offices of the priesthood.  The power is limitless and is shared with those who make and keep covenants.”

To that I have to say, the same gifts and blessings that are available for men holding the priesthood, are available for us as well.  We don’t have priesthood keys, but we have priesthood duties.  We have different roles and responsibilities and abilities from men but we are equal partners and we must walk side by side with them to sustain, support and help.

As single sisters with single priesthood brethren, how do we walk side by side?

*Be a strength and an example

*Treat each other with respect—the way you want to be treated

*Help them keep the commandments when you are with them

*Don’t be afraid to discuss religious topics

*Shoo them out of your apartment at the appropriate time restrictions--leave their apartment the same way

*Stay out of their bedrooms and don't allow them into yours

*Give them opportunities to serve and use their priesthood
*Be available to have them home teach you
*Dress modestly--As single sisters, you can be and MUST be a strength to the Priesthood holders around you in how you dress and act and live your life—don’t be a temptation—Dress Modestly—If it’s too low, too tight or too short, get rid of it
*Let them know that you have high standards and expect them to have the same.
*Do the 5 things that Pres. Mullen, our Stake President, has asked us to do:      ---Pray at least twice daily
---Read daily from the scriptures, especially from the Book of Mormon
---Have a current temple recommend and use it
---Act and don't be acted upon

---Abide by the principles in the For Strength of Youth Pamphlet 

When you get married you will be ready to support your husband in his priesthood and fatherly callings.  Here are some ways to continue to support them at that stage of your life:

*Don't complain when they are gone doing their church callings
*Support them in FHE, Family prayer and scripture study
*Encourage them to be good fathers and husbands and priesthood holders
*Be a good wife and mother
*Be responsible and fulfill your own church callings
*Serve with all your heart, might, mind and strength

When we do these things, we will experience the power of the priesthood in our lives and we will have God's power.  We will be a powerful people!

Part 3...Purity and Obedience helps us be a Powerful People...coming soon!